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Post by cemilne on Feb 9, 2012 23:09:46 GMT -5
The Bud Light Drunk A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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Post by cemilne on Feb 16, 2012 13:01:55 GMT -5
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf . One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk: so happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him, because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy, anyway?'
The man replied, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Heart-warming stories like this just make one want to cry.
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Post by Turk on Feb 17, 2012 0:23:51 GMT -5
Thanks C and good ckle at the end of a difficult day.
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Post by cemilne on Feb 24, 2012 20:07:54 GMT -5
A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".
The authorities think she may have been pushed.
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Post by cemilne on Feb 24, 2012 20:08:30 GMT -5
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
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Post by Turk on Mar 7, 2012 11:35:09 GMT -5
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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Post by cemilne on Mar 14, 2012 11:39:31 GMT -5
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well they decide to >go to the girl's place. > > A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. > > He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. > > The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." > > The guy, surprised, says, "Yes ... how did you figure that out?" > > "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." > > One thing led to another and they make love. > > After they're done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." > > The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how > did you figure that out?" > > "Didn't feel a thing!"
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Post by cemilne on Mar 14, 2012 11:40:24 GMT -5
This should put to rest all those rumors that golfers aren't caring and thoughtful people.
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses
from a heart attack!
'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband.
The husband dials 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly. "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well how long will it take for him to get here?", she asks feebly
"No time at all,' says her husband, practicing his putting stroke.
"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!"
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Post by Turk on Sept 3, 2012 10:43:49 GMT -5
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