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Post by CM on Feb 13, 2009 1:03:34 GMT -5
WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just Remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily. 'Do you Remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I Remember,' said the wife, Lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you Marry my Daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I Remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.... 'I would have Gotten Out Today.'
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Post by CM on Feb 13, 2009 1:07:01 GMT -5
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
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Post by CM on Feb 13, 2009 11:49:55 GMT -5
Do I dare? ? Women drivers.
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Post by Jack on Feb 13, 2009 14:13:21 GMT -5
I figured the only place for this would be the Joke Center. India to launch cow urine as soft drinkwww.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/food_and_drink/article5707554.eceDoes your Pepsi lack pep? Is your Coke not the real thing? India's Hindu nationalist movement apparently has the answer: a new soft drink made from cow urine. The bovine brew is in the final stages of development by the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), India's biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group, according to the man who makes it. Om Prakash, the head of the department, said the drink – called "gau jal", or "cow water" – in Sanskrit was undergoing laboratory tests and would be launched "very soon, maybe by the end of this year". "Don't worry, it won't smell like urine and will be tasty too," he told The Times from his headquarters in Hardwar, one of four holy cities on the River Ganges. "Its USP will be that it's going to be very healthy. It won't be like carbonated drinks and would be devoid of any toxins." The drink is the latest attempt by the RSS – which was founded in 1925 and now claims eight million members – to cleanse India of foreign influence and promote its ideology of Hindutva, or Hindu-ness. Hindus revere cows and slaughtering them is illegal in most of India. Cow dung is traditionally used as a fuel and disinfectant in villages, while cow urine and dung are often consumed in rituals to "purify" those on the bottom rungs of the Hindu caste system. In 2001, the RSS and its offshoots – which include the opposition Bharatiya Janata Party – began promoting cow urine as a cure for ailments ranging from liver disease to obesity and even cancer. The movement has often been accused of using more violent methods, such as killing 67 Christians in the eastern state of Orissa last year, and assaulting women in a pub in Mangalore last month. It also has a history of targeting foreign business in India, as in 1994, when it organised a nationwide boycott of multinational consumer goods, including Pepsi and Coca Cola. The cola brands are popular in India, now one of their biggest markets, but have struggled in recent years to shake off allegations, which they deny, that they contain dangerous levels of pesticide. Mr Prakash said his drink, by contrast, was made mainly of cow urine, mixed with a few medicinal and ayurvedic herbs. He said it would be "cheap", but declined to give further details about its price or ingredients until it was officially launched. He insisted, however, that it would be able to compete with the American cola brands, even with their enormous advertising budgets. "We're going to give them good competition as our drink is good for mankind," he said. "We may also think of exporting it."
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Post by CM on Feb 13, 2009 16:15:32 GMT -5
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , ruled by Nuts.
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Post by Jack on Feb 14, 2009 17:55:04 GMT -5
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
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Post by Retired in CV on Feb 15, 2009 1:23:18 GMT -5
These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work..
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Post by Jack on Feb 16, 2009 17:49:33 GMT -5
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Post by Retired in CV on Feb 18, 2009 3:13:00 GMT -5
SOUTHERN CHARM
Two ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait at the airport in Los Angeles.
The first lady was a typically arrogant California woman married to a very wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly Southern woman from North Carolina. Inevitably, the conversation centered on whether or not they had any children.
The California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Now, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Now, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting. "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Now, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried. "Oh, my Heavens! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well, for example, instead of saying, 'who gives a s**t?’ I learned to say, 'Now, isn't that precious?' "
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Post by CM on Feb 18, 2009 23:29:12 GMT -5
Guts vs Balls/ Guts or Balls? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, bby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since either way you're dead meat.
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Post by Jack on Feb 20, 2009 21:33:06 GMT -5
I hope this hasn't been posted before:
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn o ff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No." Then they said "All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay" He hung up the phone and counted to 30..
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.." and hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story)
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Post by CM on Feb 21, 2009 13:38:43 GMT -5
I hope this hasn't been posted before: HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn o ff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No." Then they said "All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay" He hung up the phone and counted to 30.. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.." and hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story) www.snopes.com/crime/safety/response.aspUmmm maybe this should be my avatar
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Post by Jack on Feb 21, 2009 13:52:37 GMT -5
CM, My wife emailed me the "How to call the police when you're old" piece and she got it from relatives in Ohio. At least I put it in the joke section. I throw myself on the mercy of the court.
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Post by lou on Feb 22, 2009 15:13:01 GMT -5
These are student responses to short answer exam questions. I gathered the most charmingly incorrect responses during my teaching years. Q: What is Monticello and why is it significant? A: This is a Roman villa located on the perimeter of the Pyrenees, it was famous for its waterfalls. The owner, Count Borgia, made an aqueduct so it could water the Red River Valley. (I think Count Borgia also appeared with John Wayne in the movie the Red River Valley!)
Q: Who was Cimabue and why was he significant? A: IT is a 5-stringed instrument meant to be played by plucking. Michelangelo liked to listen to IT while he painted the Sistine Chapel ceiling. (I tried to give all the clues necessary; but this student, apparently, does not distinguish between "Who" and "What." Can't you just see Michelangelo on his back laboriously painting the "Libyan Sibyl" and then screaming down "play it again Giovanni!"
This one (and the last) works much better if you can see the image; but, I can't figure out how to mount the image here! Q: What is the title of this work of art and who is the artist? Why is this work significant? A: "The Lamination" Giotto, because he is the father of Leonardo and this is the first time dead people were painted! And Brunelleschi paid for everything against against the wishes of the war pope Julie. (As I said this one really needs the image. Correct title The Lamentation! Correct artist. I howled with laughter when I read this short answer. I think the student "zoned out" when I said Giotto was considered the Father of the Renaissance! What made this response truly magical are these dates: Leonardo 1452-1519 b/d; Pope Julius II 1443-1513 b/d; and Giotto c.1267-1337; the Scrovegni family commissioned the Chapel and Brunelleschi (1377-1446 b/d) was the architect for the Duomo of Florence, so some of my lectures trickled down but not enough!)
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Post by CM on Feb 22, 2009 22:00:31 GMT -5
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this.
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston .
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here, the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager..
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'
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