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Post by cemilne on Jul 20, 2010 19:20:44 GMT -5
Joke Of The Week:
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
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Post by cemilne on Jul 20, 2010 22:45:29 GMT -5
Kicked Out Of Biology Class... I always tried hard in school, but I did not do well in Biology.
In Biology class, we were asked what are two
things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, African Americans and Mexicans
was not the correct answer.
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Post by cemilne on Jul 21, 2010 23:15:39 GMT -5
Jack Daniels Fishing Story
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth
Life is good 'round here.
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Post by cemilne on Jul 31, 2010 0:26:34 GMT -5
New Panties A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to Spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short Skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments She uncrosses her legs ... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot.
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Post by cemilne on Aug 11, 2010 22:27:08 GMT -5
T H E I T A L I A N E L B O W
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow , hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
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Post by Turk on Aug 12, 2010 11:51:59 GMT -5
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!"
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Post by Turk on Aug 12, 2010 12:06:12 GMT -5
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Post by Turk on Aug 12, 2010 12:06:50 GMT -5
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Post by Turk on Aug 12, 2010 12:08:59 GMT -5
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Post by Turk on Aug 12, 2010 12:14:46 GMT -5
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Post by Turk on Aug 12, 2010 12:18:06 GMT -5
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Post by cemilne on Aug 12, 2010 22:45:54 GMT -5
Stimulus Bill. Attachments:
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Post by cemilne on Aug 15, 2010 11:14:45 GMT -5
This is only for my intellectual friends.
Puns for Educated Minds
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.
The soldier who survived musperson gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Post by nikki on Aug 15, 2010 23:43:44 GMT -5
Haha! That's some good stuff.
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Post by cemilne on Aug 19, 2010 22:21:51 GMT -5
Maybe it's the 'Blonde' in me. I always wondered what they do with the centers of Cheerios. You can buy donut holes at Winchell's, but you can't buy 'Cheerios Holes'.
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