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Post by Turk on Aug 1, 2011 19:14:37 GMT -5
Adult humor, I apologies in advance for offending.
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room jerking-off. Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
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Post by Turk on Sept 6, 2011 19:08:34 GMT -5
NURSES DON'T LAUGH
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional.. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing.She composed herself as well as she could.I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me..
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem? "It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.
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Post by nikki on Sept 6, 2011 19:21:33 GMT -5
NURSES DON'T LAUGH "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional.. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing.She composed herself as well as she could.I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me.. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem? "It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.
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Post by Turk on Sept 8, 2011 15:15:00 GMT -5
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my rib cage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought, A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ............ "Okay, ma'am, all done. You can board your flight now."
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Post by Tired in CV on Sept 28, 2011 4:47:24 GMT -5
LOST RCHES OF LOUISIANA The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area. One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans . The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the rches in the area had affected their lives?
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other people, but we ain't gone to rches in years.
We gits our chicken from Popeye's". The look on the interviewer's face was priceless. They're out there, they live among us, AND THEY VOTE! Now you understand how we got "our" president?
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Post by dolphie on Sept 29, 2011 16:05:33 GMT -5
Courtesy of our resident knuckledragger: John M. Glinatsis ckle time...
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said .... "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I ' m sleeping with a 63-...year-old woman. It seems to me that you' re not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems
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Post by Tired in CV on Oct 7, 2011 4:13:24 GMT -5
As I was driving home yesterday, worrying about all the stuff going on in Washington and how my life was falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:
NEED HELP? CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787
Out of curiosity and desperation, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower!
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Post by Turk on Oct 7, 2011 19:41:37 GMT -5
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says.... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Post by cemilne on Oct 8, 2011 19:24:15 GMT -5
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, She became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'
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Post by cemilne on Oct 8, 2011 19:24:41 GMT -5
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for. She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. She then beat the shit out of me.... Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
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Post by cemilne on Oct 18, 2011 11:02:23 GMT -5
God's Sense of Humor!
While creating wives, God promised men that good
and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round.
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Post by cemilne on Oct 18, 2011 18:14:17 GMT -5
While at a LCS baseball game in St. Louis last week, a man a few seats away wore a shirt with the following statement............
Dear Cub Fans;
Don't do anything until I get back!
Sincerely; Jesus I guess that pretty much explains it.............!
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Post by Turk on Oct 29, 2011 12:16:45 GMT -5
Adult humor
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Post by Turk on Dec 1, 2011 12:29:45 GMT -5
On the last day of school before Christmas vacation, (now called winter celebration season) the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and she noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?”.... "No!"
She tasted it again and said, "Wine coolers?"...
"No silly," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
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Post by cemilne on Feb 4, 2012 20:48:06 GMT -5
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' Some old men can still think fast.
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