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Post by cemilne on Aug 25, 2010 19:57:31 GMT -5
Deeply profound thoughts by two men:
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Don continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find."
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Post by Turk on Sept 1, 2010 15:53:03 GMT -5
Adult humor and for some in bad taste, but I found it damn funny.
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Post by cemilne on Sept 1, 2010 19:36:17 GMT -5
Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.
Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads;
I have no work, a wife and six kids to support. Please help !
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"
Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"
Jose's sign reads:
I only need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico !
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Post by cemilne on Sept 17, 2010 22:30:31 GMT -5
“Wonderful World of English” from Around the World
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
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Post by cemilne on Sept 19, 2010 9:58:27 GMT -5
FATHER OF THE YEAR"
A man boarded a plane with six kids. (Gutsy guy!)
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY! *~*
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Post by Tired in CV on Sept 23, 2010 20:59:43 GMT -5
The Afghan Quarterback
Lovie Smith had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN Lovie saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Lovie said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!
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Post by Turk on Oct 2, 2010 19:46:49 GMT -5
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
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Post by cemilne on Oct 5, 2010 16:03:50 GMT -5
Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our rch pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!
... Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is “Fiji Islands”
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Post by Turk on Oct 13, 2010 12:07:25 GMT -5
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not re-heating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!’
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Post by animal on Feb 19, 2011 13:31:21 GMT -5
Slap leather, Pardner!
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the ol'-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his ambition to be a great shot... "Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The ol'-timer said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the cowboy. "Sure will," replied the ol' man. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the hat off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the ol'-timer. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw coming out of the holster." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young cowboy. "You bet it will," said the ol'-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot the cigar out the piano players mouth. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" he asked again.
The ol'-timer pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that pork fat over there? Coat your gun with it." The young shooter smeared some of the fat on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the ol'-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all. Put it on real thick, put some on your holster too" "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young cowboy. "No." said the ol'-timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt near as much."
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Post by cemilne on Mar 31, 2011 12:21:18 GMT -5
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds .
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still .'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus, the Christ...you will find Mohammed higher up. '
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?"
Obama says, “Yes please”! As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Hey Mohammed-two coffees!""
Keep your trust in God...your president is an idiot………
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Post by cemilne on Mar 31, 2011 23:23:32 GMT -5
Italian Fire Department One dark night in the small town in Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ. The volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
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Post by Turk on May 5, 2011 22:53:38 GMT -5
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said,
NO!!
And the Prince lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, slept with skinny big boobed girls, hunted and fished, raced cars, went to naked bars, dated women half his age, drank tons of beer and even more Crown Royal, never heard bitching, never paid child support or alimony.... messed around with cheerleaders, kept his house and guns, never got cheated on while he was at work, all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell. He had tons of money in the bank and best of all left the toilet seat up. The end
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Post by cemilne on May 17, 2011 23:03:20 GMT -5
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
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Post by Turk on Jun 13, 2011 10:44:53 GMT -5
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;
He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
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