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Post by ♥Fem Dem♥ on Apr 3, 2009 10:38:21 GMT -5
FOUND IN A BAR IN MONTANA! Oh Honey you are so right - mounting cost plenty - Spitzer knows.
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Post by EscapeHatch on Apr 4, 2009 8:20:38 GMT -5
Larry??!!
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Post by Tired in CV on Apr 5, 2009 22:08:59 GMT -5
A little nostalgic Buddy Hackett on Johnny Carson; The duck story!
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Post by Jack on Apr 16, 2009 21:29:44 GMT -5
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Post by Rocket on Apr 27, 2009 20:22:43 GMT -5
Definition of a liberal: Someone so open minded their brains fell out Texas first
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Post by Tired in CV on May 1, 2009 18:40:12 GMT -5
let's see if we can get a group rate discount!!!!!
Unusual and outstanding family vacation:
I found a Somalia cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).
The cost is a bit high but it seems well worth it. What I found encouraging and enlightened is that the cruise is encouraging people to bring their own high powered weapons along on the cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days. All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package:
- $800.00 US/per day per person, double occupancy (4 day minimum).
- M-16 full automatic: rental $25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 mm armor-piercing ammo at $15.95
- Ak-47 rifle: no charge. Ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 mm com block ball ammo at $14.95
- Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle: rental $55.00/day. Ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at $29.95.
- Crew members can double as spotters for $30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).
- They even offer RPG's at $75 bucks and $200 for 3 standard loads.
- Mounted mini-gun available @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire.
- Free complimentary night vision equipment.
Meals are not included but seem reasonable. Coffee and snacks on the Lido (top) deck from 7pm-6am
They offer group rates and corporate discounts, and even offer a partial money back if not satisfied.
Text from the ad:
"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included). How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots.
"We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before May 31st and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."
Here are a few testimonials:
"FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!!" ---- Stan, Denver, CO USA
"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again." ----Lars, Hamburg, Germany
"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0, PASSENGERS 32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English." ----- Ned, Salt Lake City, Utah USA
"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their crappy aim--reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam." ----"Chopper" Dan, Toledo, Ohio USA.
"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do." ---Zeke, Minnahaw Springs, Kentucky USA
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CM
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Post by CM on May 4, 2009 16:52:34 GMT -5
Jim died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said. 'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?' 'All of it,' said Sharon . 'Forty thousand.' 'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?' Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to rch. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.' Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?' "Four and a half carats."
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CM
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Post by CM on May 24, 2009 10:55:04 GMT -5
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Dallas
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings.
It's Jim . Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.' 'Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?' 'No.' 'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver .
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CM
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Post by CM on May 25, 2009 21:37:43 GMT -5
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 billion in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.
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Post by Tired in CV on May 25, 2009 23:07:23 GMT -5
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 billion in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side. ;D And I thought it was his teflon personality!
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Post by Tired in CV on Jun 7, 2009 23:17:37 GMT -5
SURPRISE, SURPRISE!
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Post by Jack on Jun 9, 2009 19:00:56 GMT -5
Hope this passes muster with Proboards:
Swear Jar
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CM
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Post by CM on Jun 23, 2009 9:59:18 GMT -5
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused , and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded . The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ' What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
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Post by johng on Jul 13, 2009 16:44:33 GMT -5
Found on E-Bay...
"Encylopedia NEW set for sale, no longer needed. Recently Married and Bitch knows everything".
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Post by ♥Fem Dem♥ on Jul 17, 2009 11:39:01 GMT -5
Summer Classes for Men at THE LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday, July 24th, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM
Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14 The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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