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Post by CM on Feb 26, 2009 19:02:02 GMT -5
Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor’s daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Walter.
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Post by CM on Feb 27, 2009 11:48:33 GMT -5
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota
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Post by CM on Feb 27, 2009 13:22:12 GMT -5
EMERGENCY ROOM.... cut the wait in half!!! The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet. When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service. It also works at DMV, Food Stamps Office and the Laundromat. Ain`t America Great ?? Jack, Thanks for the URL, I made the change. Perhaps PhotoBucket thniks the Border Patrol is obscene. Maybe America is not so great.
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Post by Jack on Feb 27, 2009 14:16:25 GMT -5
CM, I found a picture of the patch. I wonder why Photobucket would restrict it?
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Post by CM on Mar 5, 2009 0:34:08 GMT -5
The language might be racy but this is very funny.
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Post by Jack on Mar 6, 2009 14:46:29 GMT -5
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Post by CM on Mar 12, 2009 17:02:58 GMT -5
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No , the name's Lou .
ABBOTT : Your computer?
COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .
ABBOTT : What about Windows?
COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT : Wallpaper.
COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT : Software for Windows?
COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT : Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT : I just did.
COSTELLO : You just did what?
ABBOTT : Recommend something.
COSTELLO : You recommended something ?
ABBOTT : Yes.
COSTELLO : For my office?
ABBOTT : Yes.
COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT : Office.
COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT : Word.
COSTELLO : What word?
ABBOTT : Word in Office.
COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT : Money.
COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT : It comes bundled with y our computer.
COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT : Money.
COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT : One copy.
COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT : Click on 'START'..............
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Post by CM on Mar 26, 2009 15:44:46 GMT -5
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she &
John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,
Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:...."I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."
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Post by Tired in CV on Mar 29, 2009 2:29:19 GMT -5
These are pretty funneeeee, I always enjoy making fun of lawyers.....
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan! ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess. ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.. ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral. ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ________________________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Post by Tired in CV on Mar 30, 2009 17:21:23 GMT -5
STOP YELLING ACROSS THE HOUSE!
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Post by Tired in CV on Apr 1, 2009 0:09:39 GMT -5
Gun Owners of America[a href=" "] [/a]
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Post by Tired in CV on Apr 1, 2009 0:13:31 GMT -5
FOUND IN A BAR IN MONTANA!
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Post by nikki on Apr 1, 2009 1:06:38 GMT -5
FOUND IN A BAR IN MONTANA! Tired in CV, I understand that you didn't write that; you just photographed it. But I have to question your judgement in posting it. Maybe it was reverse psychology in order to attract a larger membership of female posters. Of course, I could be wrong.
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Post by Tired in CV on Apr 1, 2009 23:37:42 GMT -5
Nikki - You are correct that I didn't write that; I received it in an email from a woman. As to my judgment, I read it with a little humor and did not take it as serious. Is humor wrong? Are we too serious? I don't have a picture but have seen similar items concerning men. I laughed at them also! Feel free to write one that emulates from a woman’s point of view! I am game for a laugh! I would hope that this one post in the joke section would not keep a female from joining considering all the legitimate discussions elsewhere in the blog. If I find out it has, then I might self ban myself again! I suppose that we should eliminate the Blond thread as well and probably the Political jokes as they take aim at somebody also. Beer jokes? Somebody here that drinks beer might be offended as well. Maybe we should just delete the Jokes threads! That way we won't have to worry about Republicans, Democrats, liberals, conservatives, blonds, beer drinkers, Rednecks, etc. from not joining the blog because of some humor. Apparently you are not blond, a redneck, drink beer, a man, a white man, an attorney, a politician or any number of others targeted in the joke threads, INCLUDING LARRY specifically as you have not previously complained. In fact, among the many jokes about women, you chose this one to complain about. Interesting…… The only humor issue previously challenged was concerning a gay and it was not from a gay person as it was discussed, just questioning if it was insulting. With the one exception and now yours, the Jokes section has been considered as humor and not taken seriously.
If I have insulted you or anybody else, male or female, in any way with this I am sorry.
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Post by CM on Apr 2, 2009 0:27:07 GMT -5
Oh no, no blond jokes, I get a blond joke email from my blond wife at least once a week.
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