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Post by jdredd on Jul 17, 2009 19:38:08 GMT -5
Q: About Class 6: Is the remote that little box my wife holds? Does Class 12 advise how to hold the purse?
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Post by johng on Jul 28, 2009 16:58:26 GMT -5
Jewish Sex
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.' Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice They go home and h ire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'
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Post by Tired in CV on Jul 28, 2009 19:59:04 GMT -5
HOW IS NORMA? .......... This is hilarious !! A sweet grandmother telephones St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 0A"Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
TRUE STORY !!!!
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Post by nikki on Jul 29, 2009 0:22:00 GMT -5
HOW IS NORMA? .......... This is hilarious !! A sweet grandmother telephones St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 0A"Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit." TRUE STORY !!!! Love that!!
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Post by johng on Jul 29, 2009 18:06:49 GMT -5
Obamacare takes the phone away too Norma!
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Post by Tired in CV on Jul 29, 2009 21:09:37 GMT -5
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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Post by nikki on Jul 29, 2009 21:44:58 GMT -5
Just FYI. On Channel 10 "Primetime" tonight: The latest information on the investigation into the death of Michael Jackson, how his death has heightened the focus on celebrity drug use, the doctors who enable them and why it is so difficult to prosecute them."
Might be interesting regarding why it is difficult to prosecute the docs.
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Post by dolphie on Aug 3, 2009 1:18:20 GMT -5
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal." So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody. LOLOL ;D
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Post by dolphie on Aug 3, 2009 1:22:40 GMT -5
CM, My wife emailed me the "How to call the police when you're old" piece and she got it from relatives in Ohio. At least I put it in the joke section. I throw myself on the mercy of the court. Jack - just delete the (true story) portion! A joke is a joke is a joke! The point got across.
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Post by Turk on Aug 17, 2009 19:11:44 GMT -5
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says: "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"
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Post by dolphie on Aug 17, 2009 19:39:52 GMT -5
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says: "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"
GROAN!
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Post by Jack on Aug 28, 2009 21:35:02 GMT -5
Punchlines:
To get to the other side Because 7 8 9 Why the long face? Pardon me, Roy! Is that the cat who ate your new shoes? Well, surprise, surprise, that's not my finger! He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog. I was talking to the duck
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Post by Turk on Sept 1, 2009 16:19:06 GMT -5
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joan: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school'
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Post by IrishMike on Sept 1, 2009 20:56:02 GMT -5
3 jokes from a Bernie Mac and Ashton Kurshton movie
1)What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? a:The PGA tour.
2-Q:How do we know Adam and Eve were white? A:Ever try taking a rib from a black man?
3-Q:What are 3 things a black man can't get? A:A black eye,fat lip,and a job.
After the last joke Bernie gets upset,it's a funny movie I just can't remember the tile.It's on TV a lot lately.
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Post by johng on Sept 11, 2009 10:19:05 GMT -5
A Short Neurological Test
1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a closerelationship with Alzheimer.
Congratulations! Oh. One more test.... Find the 44th U.S President.
Well, congratulations, you're not colour blind either! SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF “AIDS”!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.
I love to see you smile. Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)
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