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Post by dolphie on Feb 9, 2010 19:13:00 GMT -5
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.' HAHAHAHA Johng .... Turk .... Jack !!! in that order
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Post by johng on Feb 10, 2010 13:34:40 GMT -5
Once a Marine, Always a Marine ... On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right.
Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now its fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said, " Mission accomplished."
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Post by cemilne on Feb 10, 2010 19:40:03 GMT -5
Since singer Susan Boyle (who professes being a virgin) has been on TV, there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently many of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like. Thank Allah for British TV! Attachments:
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Post by Turk on Feb 13, 2010 13:35:57 GMT -5
Ole & Lena's Honeymoon
Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor . He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay'. The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . ..quite an impressive work of art. Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth ... That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.' Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, ....still in da CRATE!
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Post by dolphie on Feb 13, 2010 13:49:35 GMT -5
Ole & Lena's Honeymoon Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor . He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay'. The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . ..quite an impressive work of art. Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth ... That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.' Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, ....still in da CRATE! Spoken like a male !
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Post by cemilne on Feb 14, 2010 22:21:25 GMT -5
WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama has directed the Pentagon to replace the "don't ask, don't tell" policy with one that will allow openly gay men and women to serve in the military. Defense Secretary Robert Gates and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, will present details of the plan to U.S. lawmakers next Tuesday. According to sources inside the Pentagon, changes to be implemented include adding choreography to marching regimens, equipping all dorms with double-wide bunks, new fitted uniforms in seasonal color palettes, the installation of hot tubs, and more. In a potentially controversial move, the Pentagon will announce the formation of a new all-gay, all male company tentatively named "69th Fighting Sodomites." Sources credit the creation of the 69th to House member Barney Frank, who has reportedly been working "very, very closely" with gay Pentagon officials. Attachments:
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Post by cemilne on Feb 14, 2010 22:33:22 GMT -5
Suicide Hotline, please hold. Attachments:
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Post by Tired in CV on Feb 17, 2010 2:35:37 GMT -5
from an email:
Girls Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock".
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said "Oh Sh_t", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted!"
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Post by cemilne on Feb 17, 2010 14:30:59 GMT -5
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
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Post by dolphie on Mar 4, 2010 19:51:46 GMT -5
Meet Marvin, Men's answer to Maxine!!! Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be open when she brings it. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ---------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. -------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------ Women will never be equal to men. Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------ AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN' ...
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Post by Turk on Mar 4, 2010 20:16:47 GMT -5
Good for you Dolphie you have seen the light. You are 99% correct
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Post by dolphie on Mar 4, 2010 20:21:29 GMT -5
Good for you Dolphie you have seen the light. You are 99% correct Did you see Maxine's response? That fits my perspective a bit better than what Marvin CLAIMS to be the way.
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Post by Turk on Mar 4, 2010 20:31:17 GMT -5
Good for you Dolphie you have seen the light. You are 99% correct Did you see Maxine's response? That fits my perspective a bit better than what Marvin CLAIMS to be the way. yes that's why I said you are almost correct. A good woman knows her place.
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Post by dolphie on Mar 4, 2010 21:34:46 GMT -5
Did you see Maxine's response? That fits my perspective a bit better than what Marvin CLAIMS to be the way. yes that's why I said you are almost correct. A good woman knows her place. =============={{{{{{{{{SMACK}}}}}}}} Turk I know my place is to keep you all in line! Other than that... my place is where I want it to be!
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Post by cemilne on Mar 18, 2010 19:32:28 GMT -5
A Country Boy enlists in the Army. His first letter home during Boot Camp, he describes what has happened the first few days. "Momma, the first day in Boot Camp they gave me a comb. Then they cut off all my hair! The second day of Boot Camp, they gave me a toothbrush. Then they pulled all my teeth! Momma, if they give me a jock strap, I'm goin' AWOL!" Watch out for the jock, Animal!
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