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Post by Turk on Dec 14, 2009 17:53:37 GMT -5
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly. I suppose that’s better than a two headed snake nevertheless eagles of the world might be insulted.
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Post by dolphie on Dec 29, 2009 12:04:53 GMT -5
The year is 1947 Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born: Albert A. Gore, Jr.. Hillary Rodham John F. Kerry William J. Clinton Howard Dean Nancy Pelosi Dianne Feinstein Charles E. Smer Barbara Boxer See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
"This message is intended for official use and may contain SENSITIVE information. If this message contains SENSITIVE information, it should be properly delivered, labeled, stored, and disposed of according to policy."
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Post by EscapeHatch on Dec 29, 2009 17:12:30 GMT -5
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Post by johng on Jan 7, 2010 16:20:17 GMT -5
Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland ." Barack said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special airplane."
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes."
Barack said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
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Post by Turk on Jan 7, 2010 16:45:26 GMT -5
Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland ." Barack said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special airplane." The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes." Barack said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!" My wish would be the dufus resign
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Post by Tired in CV on Jan 8, 2010 2:16:46 GMT -5
In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest..
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected."
Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Obama.
"Amen", said Pelosi.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
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Post by cemilne on Jan 14, 2010 17:40:47 GMT -5
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance..
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi.
How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
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Post by cemilne on Jan 23, 2010 15:11:06 GMT -5
Terrorism Threat Escalation.
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Baspersons." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'. Canada doesn't have any alert levels. And in the southern hemisphere... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be al'right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Post by cemilne on Jan 28, 2010 21:55:31 GMT -5
Last night, in the deep bowels of Hell,.....around 10 PM our time, Satan walked over to a fat, seedy looking minion toiling away shoveling more coal into the giant furnaces.
He tapped the tormented soul on the shoulder and whispered.."Oh, by the way Teddy, a Republican just won your Senate seat".
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Post by EscapeHatch on Feb 10, 2010 20:13:09 GMT -5
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault.
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Post by dolphie on Feb 10, 2010 20:50:17 GMT -5
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault.
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Post by cemilne on Feb 21, 2010 12:21:12 GMT -5
It was reported today that the IOC has removed the Olympic Gold Medal from Lindsey Vonn and has given it to Barak Obama, reason for the reversal is that the IOC feels that Obama has been going downhill faster than Lindsey.
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Post by cemilne on Feb 21, 2010 12:23:02 GMT -5
Barack Obama set a new standard in receiving the Nobel Peace Prize...unfortunately it's become a tripping hazard.
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Post by dolphie on Mar 4, 2010 19:52:45 GMT -5
President Barack Obama is set to honor former President George W. Bush today.
He has asked Haiti to rename the Tectonic plate that caused the earth quake.
It will now be known as Bush's Fault.
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Post by Turk on Mar 4, 2010 20:09:56 GMT -5
President Barack Obama is set to honor former President George W. Bush today. He has asked Haiti to rename the Tectonic plate that caused the earth quake. It will now be known as Bush's Fault. A familiar song.
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