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Post by Jack on Jan 1, 2010 21:50:29 GMT -5
The Blonde Cop
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like"?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..'
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Post by EscapeHatch on Jan 7, 2010 9:27:55 GMT -5
The French Prime Minister was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when he was interrupted by a telephone call;
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac?" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred and fifty-thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes, My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy; "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners!"
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Post by Tired in CV on Jan 14, 2010 20:54:32 GMT -5
The Female Genie...
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." "The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
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Post by cemilne on Jan 14, 2010 21:04:57 GMT -5
Sounds like some of my relatives. The French Prime Minister was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when he was interrupted by a telephone call; "Hallo, Mr. Chirac?" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred and fifty-thousand since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes, My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy; "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners!"
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Post by Tired in CV on Jan 15, 2010 2:26:18 GMT -5
In case you haven't seen this, here's MAXINE's Solution to health care So you're a senior citizen and the government says no healthcare for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison. There you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this?... the same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore. IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY
OR WHAT?
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Post by Tired in CV on Jan 15, 2010 2:28:34 GMT -5
Speeding ticket excuse....This 83 year old woman talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going. Makes perfectly good sense to me.....
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Post by Tired in CV on Jan 15, 2010 2:30:18 GMT -5
The Frog and Golfer
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked and says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
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Post by Tired in CV on Jan 15, 2010 20:14:26 GMT -5
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's......they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid
phone!!!
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Post by dolphie on Jan 15, 2010 20:22:09 GMT -5
A Blonde's Year in Review JanuaryTook new scarf back to store because it was too tight. FebruaryFired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!! March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!' April Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it??? October Hate M & M's......they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!! That is sooooooooo bad.... yet so funny!
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Post by nikki on Jan 15, 2010 23:02:01 GMT -5
"Hate M & M's......they are so hard to peel." Okay, now, that's HILARIOUS! I am brunette, but I can't wait til I can use that!!
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Post by Turk on Jan 24, 2010 13:53:12 GMT -5
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'coffee break, do your stuff.'
coffee break jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.......
S**t on the paper....... Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so......... Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... Put in for Workers Compensation................and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
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beegee
Junior Member
Posts: 27
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Post by beegee on Jan 29, 2010 21:34:10 GMT -5
Today is Friday. Here's the joke of today, not "the" day, just plain the day. Jack1 is proud of his accomplishment. What did he do? He quit smoking 9 months ago. He claims anyone who can't quit is either stupid or psychotic. He states that Obama is sending the wrong message to the "children" because he still smokes. Here's the funny part: when I say to him, "I've never seen Obama smoke in public", he says to me "you're delusional" says "bye bye" and leaves abruptly. Well Jack1, what took you so long, HUH? Not that I'm a saint or anything: I quit 16 years ago. So what 'high horse' are you on now? From what I've been told, you were a liberal when you first started at the Roger chat room. So what's you excuse now?
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Post by Jack on Jan 29, 2010 22:17:06 GMT -5
Today is Friday. Here's the joke of today, not "the" day, just plain the day. Jack1 is proud of his accomplishment. What did he do? He quit smoking 9 months ago. He claims anyone who can't quit is either stupid or psychotic. He states that Obama is sending the wrong message to the "children" because he still smokes. Here's the funny part: when I say to him, "I've never seen Obama smoke in public", he says to me "you're delusional" says "bye bye" and leaves abruptly. Well Jack1, what took you so long, HUH? Not that I'm a saint or anything: I quit 16 years ago. So what 'high horse' are you on now? From what I've been told, you were a liberal when you first started at the Roger chat room. So what's you excuse now? You took my comments out of context - missed the point I was trying to make about Obama being disingenuous about his supposed attempts to quit smoking and not being a good role model for the children of this country - and then you just got pissy about it. You started a bogus argument and I called you delusional - I stand by that statement. I don't recall ever being a "liberal" or being referred to as one so I guess you're also wrong about that. Why don't you GFY and find someone else to argue with? This time try to find someone who gives a rat's ass what you think.
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beegee
Junior Member
Posts: 27
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Post by beegee on Jan 29, 2010 23:36:50 GMT -5
No Jack, I didn't take your comment out of context. That's your delusion. Neither did I get 'pissy'. I made a statement of fact.
I did not start "a bogus argument", I challenged your statement (if you want to look at it that way). You got 'pissy' and left. If you had a leg to stand on you would have disputed my statement that "I've never seen Obama smoke in public".
I'm not an Obama supporter; I don't like the man or what he stands for. But I do like the truth and honest conversation. You provided neither.
I've never looked at a "rat's ass" so I don't have the same frame of reference that you do. Do you have some other, non-combative, comment to add to the "conversation"?
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Post by dolphie on Jan 30, 2010 0:39:39 GMT -5
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